Ukrainian Attack Dolphins Are On the Loose

Hugh Pickens writes "The Ukrainian Navy has a small problem on their hands. The Atlantic reports that, after rebooting the Soviet Union's marine mammal program last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military's new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate' out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to 'attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.' Dolphins were trained at Sevastopol for the Soviet Navy as far back as 1973 to find military equipment such as sea mines on the seabed as well as attacking divers and even carrying explosives on their heads to plant on enemy ships. The U.S. has its own dolphin program in San Diego with 40 trained dolphins and sea lions and another 50 in training. U.S. Navy dolphins were deployed in Bahrain in 1987 during a period when Iran was laying down mines in the Persian Gulf to disrupt oil shipments. No word yet on whether 'sharks with frickin' laser beams attached' have been added to the U.S. arsenal." Update: 03/14 14:55 GMT by T : Note that (as the Atlantic has updated their story reached via above link) while there really are militarized dolphins in use around the world, this particular story turns out to be an elaborate prank.

Oh great

[Looker_Device]

Bad enough when you just had to worry about them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLEb-iCQqec&feature=player_embedded [slashdot.org]">raping you or beating you up [youtube.com]. Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.

The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!

I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ...

[Thud457]

Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?

Re:

[Dusthead Jr.]

You forgot a pair of Thomson Eye-Phones

Re:

[mjwx]

Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?

They've already been caught and turned into John West Tuna.

Re:

[blind biker]

The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive.

I don't think humans are mutated and radioactive. The rest of your statement is valid, though.

Re:

[Big Hairy Ian]

Just waiting for Blizzard to turn this into another MMORPG :(

Re:

[TheCarp]

Followed up by the history channel special on the secrets of Alien Dolphins.

Re:

[willcutaflip]

Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.

The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!

I am pretty sure the simpsons made an episode exactly as you described...we are all doomed!

Re:

[BigT]

Snorky.... speaks... man!

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

Not reading TFA is standard procedure here, but you didn't even finish the summary.

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

Slashdot standard procedure is not even to read the headline, but immediately post and blabber about all kinds of stuff that is irrelevant or just plain factually incorrect. And then get modded up to +5, Insightful or Informative.

Hoax

[roman_mir]

This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.

Re:

[kermidge]

From what I read (three articles plus follow-up via search and more reading) and with the understanding that my reading comprehension may be questioned, they're not armed though they may have been trained at some point with some kind of offensive gear, and their 'escape' is apparently encompassed by some of them swimming off in search of mates or a desire to play hookey.

U.S. Navy also apparently looked into various possible ways to arm the beasties but later decided not to do so. In fact, a recent article

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

Who cares?! It's too awesome not to believe!

Re:Hoax

[TheGothicGuardian]

Hah, that's just what a militarily trained Ukrainian dolphin trying to throw us off his trail would say.

Re:

[Sulphur]

This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.

That was the problem; their brain cells were rubbing together.

Re:

[mcgrew]

You really should start your medication, boy. Then read the fucking article, which says this is common and expected behavior. Of course, if it had been anything but the Register it wouldn't be blowing it so much out of proportion. Here are a few better links to the same story, by less disreputable sources:

New York Daily News [nydailynews.com]
Atlantic Wire [theatlanticwire.com]
Herald Sun (Australia) [heraldsun.com.au]
Huffington Post [huffingtonpost.com]
Slate [slate.com] (Slate credits BoingBoing)

Google News is full of them. There was one story by a business blog that questioned its authenticity on

Re:

[Quakerjono]

Wow. If the Huffington Post is a "better link" then...well, that's just a pretty low initial bar.

Re:

[mcgrew]

I didn't say they were reputable, just less disreputable. The Register is only slightly less of a joke than The Onion.

Their last message

[Peter Simpson]

"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"

no friggin lasers?

[tresstatus]

and dolphins instead of sharks?!?!?

Haox

[Anonymous Coward]

This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/03/13/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-not-roaming-seas-for-romance/

Re:Haox

[Black Parrot]

This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news

Tough choice... can we pick both?

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

Well, as of five minutes ago, CNN.com was still reporting it as a true story. News sucks at news, details at 11.

Hoax

[Anonymous Coward]

First linked article already mentions this being fake in an update

old story on wired

[schneidafunk]

This is from october of last year: http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2012/10/dolphins/?fb_action_ids=10151480427414906&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582 [wired.com]

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

which was a hoax.

What else would you believe?

[roman_mir]

How about this for a story that is similarly unbelievable?

Putin has released Khodorkovski from jail.
Tentacle manga: Tokyo is under attack by a 100 meter monster.
French president has revealed his plan for a balanced budget and a trade balance that does not involve more taxes.

Yeah, all of these may appear on the front page of /., would you also believe it if you saw it?

Re:

[lfourrier]

The headline : "French president has revealed his plan for a balanced budget and a trade balance that does not involve more taxes" is perfectly believable.
The plan in itself, that's another story.

all they need is lasers ...

[ExKoopaTroopa]

dolphins with frikin lasers attached to their head

Once again the Simpsons predicted it.

[BLToday]

Once again the Simpsons predicted it.

I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overloads.

April 1st

[watermark]

April 1st is still a few weeks away

Quick!

[Idou]

We must arm sharks with lasers!

Ballistics

[Khyber]

Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics.

The knifers, oh shit.

No need to worry about lasers. Attenuation underwater is a bitch.

Re:

[oodaloop]

Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics. The knifers, oh shit.

Do knives have longer ranges underwater?

Re:

[SteinzoTheGreat]

Given the choice to be able to swim like a Navy SEAL or a Harbor Seal, I think I would choose the latter . . .

US navy has this covered

[Anonymous Coward]

The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.

Re:

[Kwyj1b0]

The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.

Obligatory Simpsons

Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gori

Red Alert 2

[Rataerix]

It's coming true, next up mind controlled squids.

Sex

[billakay]

Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.

So, they left to get laid?

NRA Response

[guttentag]

I'm waiting for the NRA to use this in its lobbying, pointing out that it's easier for a dolphin in the Ukraine to legally acquire a gun than for a human in the U.S. They may take it a step further and claim that there is an ever-growing need for assault weapons at the beach now that foreign countries are arming their wildlife and setting them free in the ocean.

Re:

[eeyoredragon]

The only answer to a bad guy with a gun is a dolphin with a gun!

Re:

[Chuckstar]

Guns don't kill people... dolphins kill people.

as has been said...

[dAzED1]

Not only does the headline say it was a hoax, the very first line says it was a hoax.

Update! Sad news, friends. It turns out that one piece of the Ukrainian dolphin story is, in fact, a hoax.

The "one piece" is the idea that they were trained to kill, and that they escaped. So other than they not being killer, nor escaped, yes - there are dolphins. Good job, "Unknown Lamer"

Re:

[Graydyn Young]

You just ruined my day. Couldn't you just let me believe in the Ukrainian murder dolphins?

The D Team -Starring Dolph Lundgren, I'm thinking?

[Anonymous Coward]

In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.

If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.

Re:

[daveashcroft]

Actually, Its would think it more likely they would be known as the C-Team!

In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.

If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.

Killer Dolphins

[Anonymous Coward]

Guns don't kill people. Dolphins do.

Perhaps Douglas Adams Was Right

[Ukab the Great]

Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.

Dolphins make love, not war. Mabye they really are the smartest creatures on earth.

Re:

[EmperorArthur]

Yeah, they "make love" whether the other party wants to or not.

This is it.

[VAElynx]

Last week germs from Lake Vostok, this week this
We're living in a pulp fiction sci-fi
And it's awesome.

Re:

[julesh]

I'm thinking this film [imdb.com] is the one we're currently in.

I, for one...

[vikingpower]

...welcome our new tursiops truncatus overlords.

wait a minute...

[sudden.zero]

I said sharks with lasers attached to their foreheads not dolphins with knives or guns YOU IDIOT!!!

Day of The Dolphin

[lemur3]

there was a book.. and film about dolphins that were trained to talk and in some way involved in an assassination attempt on the president of the USA.

ive never read the book.. and the movie wasnt all that great..

its worth a look if youre in to 70s stuff!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_of_the_Dolphin [wikipedia.org]

After the dolphins are kidnapped, an investigation by an undercover government agent for hire, Curtis Mahoney (Paul Sorvino) reveals that the Institute is planning to further train the dolphins to carry out a political assassination by having them place a limpet mine on the hull of the yacht of the President of the United States.

A hoax

[matrim99]

This story has been proven to be a hoax.

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/ [theatlantic.com]

Re:

[nyri]

Everybody! Ignore this guy with stupid facts and continue with killer mutant dolphin jokes!

Time to release the

[Nyder]

sharks with the lasers.

As IBM Once Said: THINK

[buravirgil]

Hoax? Sure, but think of a dolphin in a pool throwing out clicks designed to traverse leagues and fathoms of seawater-- an enclosed pool would function much like an echo-chamber. Oh, but we are learning their language... IN AN ECHO CHAMBER? Through the 80s, I recall NASA soliciting primary school students for ideas about what experiments might be conducted on the space shuttle in 0g conditions. And that was very thoughtful. But it was public relations to suggest something other than the cargo of satellites

...and the dolphin bumps into a shark

[MugenEJ8]

"Say 'ello to my little friend!"

Finally an obligatory non-XKCD comic

[IwantToKeepAnon]

Cow and Boy [gocomics.com] Have a "whale" of a good time this weekend.

If those dolphins...

[Kittenman]

... ever discover fire, we're all doomed.

Oh, wait...

Deja Vu

[slater86]

I seem to remeber something very similar after Hurricane Katrina a few years back.

http://science.slashdot.org/story/05/09/25/1850228/armed-dolphins-released-into-gulf-of-mexico

The Atlantic Article Updated - Hoax

[mindfullygreen]

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/ [theatlantic.com] "Update: Ukrainian Military Dolphins Not Actually on the Loose"